Looking for some cheering after a nasty divorce? If so, these funny divorce quotes will be great for you!
Nobody gets married to get a divorce! However, we all know divorce is inevitable in some circumstances. Personally I believe it’s better to be single than be in a toxic marriage.
Getting divorced is never easy but it can open so many doors for the best. You get a chance to know and love yourself better, you get your freedom back, you relax from all the stress that comes with a failed marriage, you get another chance at finding love and peace in your life among other great things.
Although being single might be great for you, getting over a divorce could be harder than you think. You’ll go through a roll coaster of emotions from happy, sad, excited, confused and regret because you’ll have lost the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.
That’s why I have collected 53 funny divorce quotes to make you laugh out loud and help you move on to a happier life with ease.
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Funny Divorce Quotes To Help You Move On With Ease
1.) “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.” – Gerald F. Lieberman
2.) “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” – Henry Youngman
3.) “He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
4.) “Divorce is success. Failure is staying married to a person you no longer love.” – Ben Tolosa
5.) “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.” — Helen Rowland
6.) “You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.” – Willie Nelson
7.) “To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.” – James Caan
8.) “Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper.” – Taylor Jenkins Reid
9.) “Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner
10.) “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” – Shinichi Suzuki
Funny Divorce Quotes To Make Laugh Out Loud
11.) “Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language.” – Austin Elliot
12.) “Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly.” – Dave Barry
13.) “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
14.) “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” – Bette Davis
15.) “A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.” – Marvin Mitchelson
16.) “I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.” – Woody Allen
17.) “When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check.” – Maura Kennedy
18.) “If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?” – Unknown
19.) “Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.” – Roseanne Barr
20.) “Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Funny Divorce Quotes To Show You Everything Will Be Okay
21.) “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” – Jennifer Weiner
22.) “You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.” – Mike Tyson
23.) “I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.” –
24.) “Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified.” – J. B. Handelsman
25.) “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” – Oscar Wilde
26.) “To be fair, in most divorces the house is split evenly. The women get the inside, the men get the outside.” – Bruce Force
27.) “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
28.) “You can fire your secretary, divorce your spouse, abandon your children. But they remain your co-authors forever.” – Ellen Goodman
29.) “She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville
Funny Divorce Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face
30.) “You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth.” – Dave Barry
31.) “The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce.” – John Kenneth Galbraith
32.) “Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.” – Jean Kerr
33.) “The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” – Johnny Carson
34.) “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” – Rita Mae Brown
35.) “When we got divorced, all my wife was willing to give me custody of was the yard work.” – Melanie White
36.) “Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
37.) “When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay.” – Eileen Courtney
38.) “The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage.” – Cher
39.) “Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.” – Joan Rivers
40.) “Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s an uncut Hope diamond for a divorce attorney.” – Dan Wintermantel
Funny Divorce Quotes To Help You Get Rid Of The Sadness
41.) “Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.” – Ellen DeGeneres
42.) “When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.” – Rodney Dangerfield
43.) “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.” – Sonia Sotomayor
44.) “Divorces are made in heaven.” – Oscar Wilde
45.) “Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.” – Jay Leno
46.) “My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years.” – Lee Trevino
47.) “You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer
48.) “Although marriages traditionally begin with I do, when they fail, they invariably end with You don’t.” – Judith Viorst
49.) “Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel.” – Brian Celio
50.) “My wife and I are preemptively making a list of whose side we’ll take when all our friends get divorced.”
51.) “Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.” – Ambrose Bierce
52.) “I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded.” – Tim Conway
53.) “If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping.” – Magnon McLaughlin
What Funny Divorce Quotes Should I Add To This List?
Nobody ever dream of getting a divorce! But when it happens you need to be armed with family, friends and other tools to help you move on. I hope these funny divorce quotes will ease your pain during this journey.
All the best as you start you next chapter of your life. May all you ever wished for come to you.
What funny divorce quotes should I add to this list? I would love to hear all about it in the comment section below. Also, don’t forget to share these quotes with your followers.